soliloquy

i remember you
you were there with me the first time
i sat on a shag carpet

was that the night
alexandra spoke
of fondue
and failed pregnancies?

or was it later
when we all clung
to the white whale
made of fabric,
afraid to let go

i remember you
under florescent light
feeling your chest move
breathing behind me

watching a beautiful film
whose characters exist
even less so than usual

finding your heart
finding my heart
we never did, not quite

we never could
in the fluid of that present
and now i know
that you wouldn’t have
wanted to because
i was your first and last.

again, i think,
it is all a matter of convenience

i know that doesn’t mean we felt nothing
and it's fine. but

i remember you
hair moist and dark and shining
turning away from me
like nothing could be easier

maybe you don’t
or won’t
remember me

but i remember you