yellow

we part ways in front of bobby's apartment
the black takes you warm, arm in arm
and i don't look back

where do i find this beauty?
is it in the sharpness of your rejection
and the bite of the blue wind who walks me home?
the subtle sounds of his lips touching your forehead
or two hands clasping? my child-like confusion
at misunderstanding all of this? most of all,
i am embarrassed at how i blinded myself.

does something shine in the way
i could kick myself for still vying for your affection?
unseen purple bruises to color my skin.

no.

it blossoms,
the head of a yellow lily
brightening the night

where i am a masochist, opening out--
it is seeded in the lining of the repression
that disguises me in the skin of a grow-up.

shapeshifter's memoir

maybe i'm not cut out for this
i lied when i said i wasn't afraid

the past three months have admittedly horrified me
jr's where the man checking the ids holds my hand in his for too long
apex where it smells like
sweat and alcohol and frustration
cobalt where no one really looks at you
if they look in your eyes
it is only to see their own reflection
fishing for validation

it's like trying a bike for the first time
falling and scraping your knee
you always remember the cut of
the pavement, how it stung you

maybe that's why we
try and try harder not to fall again

i am scared to ride
because i could get hurt or hurt someone
because i could be misled or mislead
because everything makes more sense when
i am a giraffe, gawky and graceful behind a fence
too many rules and too many things to avoid

will i someday have the courage to be unashamed of my wounds?